Honor Your Father

“Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be lengthened on the earth that HaShem your God is giving to you” Exodus 20:12. This is a touchy subject, especially in our world. The pressure from our culture is to make your own way without a lot of regard for previous generations. It’s also difficult for Messianics in particular, often our parents aren’t Messianic, or if they are, we feel they’ve gone off the deep end. Understanding what it really means to “honor” our parents will help with this.

In Matthew 15:4-6, R. Yeshua disapproves of a practice that was common in his day, wherein someone would swear to give everything they owned to the Temple. This meant that they couldn’t support their parents, and R. Yeshua says that that is violating the command to honor your parents. Basically, R. Yeshua says that honoring your parents means providing for them. The Talmud says the same thing in Kiddushin 31, and so does Rabbi Israel Meir Cohen (ztz”l)*, in Sefer HaMitzvot HaKetzer. In other words, that is how this commandment is understood throughout Judaism.

It is important to understand that when R. Yeshua argues with the tradition in Matthew 15, the Mishnah actually agrees with him. In Mishnah, Nedarim 9:1 Rabbi Eleazar says that if someone makes an oath to donate something, but then realises that he can’t keep the oath and take care of his parents, the oath is nullified. That is how important it is to provide for our parents. Remember, they took care of us when we were too young to take care of ourselves, and so it’s our job to return the favor when they can no longer take care of themselves.

There is an exception. A very important exception. In Luke 14:26 the Messiah reminds us that we should follow God first, and parents second. R. Cohen (ztz”l) makes the same exception by saying that if a father tells his child to break any commandment, the child is obligated to ignore their father. We have to strike a balance between respecting and taking care of our parents and following our own consciences. Remember that our parents are the only reason we’re alive today, but we still have to make decisions based on our own best judgment.

**(ztz”l) is an abbreviation for the Hebrew phrase “of blessed memory,” a respectful way of referring to the dead, similar to the English R.I.P. for “rest in peace.”